there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
