someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Small penises have feelings too.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize