She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
