her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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