dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
