Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
