Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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