She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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