I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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