My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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