aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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