Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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