i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
