You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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