puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
