oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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