naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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