I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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