we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
