The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
