Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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