Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i came on her dog
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
