i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
