there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
