If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
