And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
