Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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