the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
