I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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