The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
