Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
