i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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