I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
