I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
