yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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