I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wear drunk well.
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