i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
