turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
