As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
