I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
