I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
