I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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