I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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