Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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