apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
