this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
