I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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