I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
