I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize