Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
