My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
