im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
