It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i think im in europe. pls send help
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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