Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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