Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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