My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
