When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
