Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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