I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
